This title is totally tongue in cheek, in case you couldn’t tell. It’s like those books: “What to expect in pregnancy.” As if all the things that could happen in pregnancy can be neatly rolled into a 300 pages of printable cuteness!

Well, medical school is definitely not cuteness, and definitely cannot be summarized in 1000 words or less, but all med schools across the US have a similar skeleton and anatomy (get it? I know, I crack myself up too), so I thought I’d outline it.

MS1
The worst year. It repeats a lot of your college courses, such as biochemistry and physiology, but in more detail and with more multiple choice.  The infamous anatomy lab where you will play with the pickled people takes place this year.  

First year sucks because it is a far distance away from actual medicine or actual doctoring for the most part, although you do get to take some classes that allow the medical school to advertise “early clinical exposure!” (that is what everyone looks for when applying, and after starting, try to avoid so as to be able to concentrate on actual studying…)

Interesting classes you get to take:
1. Introduction to clinical medicine – here, you will learn how to properly interview a patient hitting all the important points of the medical history, and how to present in rounds without sounding like a blabbering idiot. PLUS, and this is an added bonus, you learn how to be an attentive and sensitive physician. (keep an open posture, lean slightly forward, never cross your arms. Nod your head, and once in a while, say: “This must be very frustrating/difficult/painful/confusing to you. “)
2. Human sexuality – I’m serious! We had a professor who was just perfect for teaching human sex. His name was Bernie Bernstein; he was an elderly Long Island Jewish guy in a tweed jacket and a (usually crooked) bow tie. I can’t think of what beats hearing him explain the stages of the “Female ooooogasm.”
3. Medical ethics – this course is a brain twister. Like a tongue twister for the brain. It hurts. No answers, just philosophizing. Discuss euthanasia… discuss HIPPA… discuss Terri Schiavo (well, she wasn’t around when I was taking this course, but something similar was discussed).  Discuss discuss discuss… ad nauseum discuss.

MS2
Slightly closer to what you hope to be allowed to do one day, so more interesting and relevant, but also, much more vast and voluminous. The amount of information you have to read and internalize is staggering. Really. I wouldn’t be surprised, for example, if the pathophysiology of athersclerotic plaque formation replaces, say, your best friend’s date of birth. Or if cephalosporins, their mechanism of action, spectrum of coverage and various generations, take over the space in your brain previously occupied by your phone number and address.

This is when none of your time is actually yours; anything you do that’s not studying, is taking away from studying.

Of course, there are some people who might not have had that exact experience. In fact, I have one specific frenemy in mind. We accidentally met the summer after first year, each at a different school, and I said, expecting commiseration, although, honestly, I don’t know why I would: “So, that was overwhelming!” Her answer: “I don’t know why people say medical school is overwhelming. Whatever! I wanted to work hard! I knew I’d be working hard! And I am always done studying by 8.”

Hint: NEVER EVER say stuff like that to other medical students, or they will kill you. If not with their bare hands, then with their look of death.

Step 1
The United States Medical Licensing Examination has 3 and a half steps. Step 1 is taken between 2nd and 3rd years, ie before you make the move into actual clinical medicine. Step 2 is taken after your clinical years and Step 3 at some point in your residency, probably after intern year. These tests are 8 hours of pure computerized hell.

Let me digress for a few minutes. I had this friend, and she turned out to be the first of my friends to have a baby when we were still pretty young. Naturally, I was curious about how bad is it, really. I mean, when the baby comes out, your poor vagina, that’s gotta hurt like hell!!

She answered, “Oh, no way, pushing the baby out is a pleasant relief, like a good bowel movement! It the contractions that suck…”

Back to my story. Sitting at the computer taking the test is pleasantly relieving, like having a baby, or a bowel movement. The studying beforehand is what really sucks, especially for step 1.

MS3
You’ve passed step 1! You’ve been allowed on the floor. The main job of a third-year medical student is to follow their intern around. They’re encouraged to ask questions, but if they do, often, it’s turned right around and they’re given an assignment. You have to do the core rotations: Medicine, Surgery, Psychiatry, OB/GYN, Pediatrics and Family Medicine. The trouble is, unless you’re extremely good at faking interest, the rotations you don’t like are painful. Because you HAVE to look interested. The third-year medical student’s biggest sin is to not look interested. Or motivated. It’s a joke by now: “An interested and motivated individual would…”

MS4
A secret ploy to get us to pay more money!! You’re required to do some rotations, usually, you’ll do ones that pertain to the actual field you’ve chosen. But you end up with up to 5 months of nothing to do. Some people (ahem, gunners) will do useful things, like research. Others (ahem, moi) eat junk food and watch Law and Order. Yet others procreate. Tons of girls had babies at this point. Probably not a bad idea.

The Match
The match is a service that will literally match up residency programs with appropriate respective applicants. The AMCAS rears its ugly head. Once you’ve picked a field, secured 3 recommendation letters, and written a personal statement (My Korean grandmother didn’t understand that I wouldn’t be seeing patients. But for me, radiology is the noblest field.), you pick out the programs you want, click click click, and await interview invitations.

Interviews are more fun that the medical school interviews. For one thing, everywhere you go, you get food. Secondly, residents will try to suck up to you. Third, you get time off rotations to interview, so score!

Then, once you’ve had enough, and they’ve had enough of you, you fill out a rank list. I have known students to become literally suicidal over their rank list. Playing tricks with the list, trying to figure out if they can trick the match protocol into playing more into their favor…. But trying to guess the match protocol is like…. Trying to figure out the proverbial mysterious ways in which god works. It’s like that giant prophet from A Hitchhiker’s Guid to the Galaxy. After years and years of hard work and blinking lights, you get an answer. 4. How that answer came about, no one will ever know.

Match day is an exersize in restraint. Everyone gets together in the medschool auditorium. Tension is so palpable, and the air so thick, you can seriously cut it with a knife. Let’s just say, to make it through, we brought giant Nalgene water bottles filled with orange juice [and vodka]. You’re handed an envelope. Once everyone has theirs, someone says: GO! and everyone opens at the same time. The noise that follows is deafening.

Once that happens, you’re indentured for the next 3-6 years…